Okay, normally I avoid politics because I don't like the divisive
effect that the issue has, but a recent law pushed a button because
of all the assumptions it made. Here's your warning sign. This is
not safe for work, church, or any other circumstances where where it
could get you into trouble, and it is graphic as hell. If you go
past this point, I am not responsible for hurt feelings. We're all
adults here.
A
man and some of his friends open a lemonade stand on a street corner
downtown. They sell cups of lemonade and soft drinks for fifty
cents. They do a brisk business, until a certain law goes into
effect.
That
morning, a lady walks up. “Let me have one cup of lemonade.”
“Um,
are you gay?”
“What?”
“Are you gay?”
She looks at him, shocked, as if he had just asked her if she was
gay.
“Are you serious? No! I am not gay!”
“Okay, sorry. I can't serve you. Let me find someone who can.
Rick, do you have a problem with straights?”
“Not as long as they're kinky.”
The first man turns back to the woman. “He wants to know if you're
into BDSM. You know, spanking, dominance, stuff like that.”
The second man leans over to say, “Dom or sub, doesn't matter. I
don't even care if you switch. I believe in equal opportunity.”
She screams, “I don't do any of that!”
The first man, the owner, holds up his hand. “Ma'am, I need you to
lower your voice. I'm not going to ask any of my employees to serve
someone if it would violate what they believe in. If you can't
accept that, you can take your business elsewhere.”
“My boss wants a cup of lemonade, from this stand! Do you have any
idea of the hell I'll catch if I come back without it?”
“No, but it sounds like he's using this errand to find out
something that you'd be able to sue the hell out of him if he asked
for himself. I'll bet he plans some way of getting you to tell him
which one of us sells it to you.”
They start going down the line, asking all the employees if they're
willing to sell the woman a cup of lemonade.
The woman who runs the register says, “I'll serve you if you're
polyamorous, but only poly. I don't agree with swinging. Oh, and
don't even ask me to serve you if you cheat, ever.”
The boy who stocks the water and ice says, “Ma'am, I'll be happy to
serve you, just as long as you're celibate.”
The grumpy old man mixing the lemonade says, “Forget it. If you're
the sort to leave the house without your husband, I don't even want
to talk to you.”
A man down at the end smiles and yells out, “I'll serve anyone, as
long as they practice bestiality!”
“Jesus, Clive, keep your voice down! Sorry, he went to school with
my mom. Let's see who else we have.”
A woman who has been counting the cases of soft drinks waves them
both over.
“So you're straight.”
“Yes.”
“Monogamous, not perverted, and not into animals.”
“Definitely not.”
“Married?”
“Yes.”
“I mean, this is your first marriage?”
“Yes.”
“Good. You said you don't cheat,either? By cheating I mean sex
with anyone but your husband. I don't care what you call it.”
“No, I have never cheated.”
“You're not a furry, are you?”
When the other woman just looked at her with a blank expression, the
employee said, “Never mind, never mind. You don't look like one,
anyway. Let me see your neck.”
“My neck? What for?”
“Some people, mostly women, do something I think is absolutely
abhorrent. They choke themselves. They think it helps get them off,
but it's just sick.”
“My god, I've never even heard of that.”
“I'm sorry you had to. One cup of lemonade?”
“Yes! Finally!”
“Fifty cents please.”
“There's no tax?”
“We eat the tax. The way business has dropped off, we have to.”
The woman puts two quarters in the employee's hand, and just before
she hands the cup over, the employee asks, “Wait, you don't
masturbate, do you?”
When the woman just stands there in embarrassed silence, the employee
shrieks, ”Oh my god, you touched me with your hand! Get out of my
sight!”
Near tears, the woman starts to walk away. But the man on the end,
grinning, draws another cup and runs up to her.
“Look, I know you don't like animals, but just say you do.”
“No!”
“What'll it hurt? You don't have to mean it, just say it. Then
we'll both be happy. Hey, just tell your boss that some new kid
served you, and he didn't ask a damn thing.”
The woman looked at the cup in the man's hand, and thought of the
casual way her boss had asked her to pick it up on her way back from
lunch.
“Okay, I like animals. I absolutely love them. I do them morning,
noon, and night. Satisfied?”
“Here you go. Don't worry about paying, I'll take care of it.”
She walks away, but before she gets to the street she turns around
and comes back.
“Let me ask you something. You really have sex with animals?”
The man chuckles.
“Lady, I ended up with cancer four years ago. They had to take
both the family jewels, and I haven't gotten it up since. Messing
with people like you is one of the few joys I still have.”
